Get Lost. With Pleasure.

by childofwine

the barista just handed me my coffee
served with an apology

sorry
I’m trying to improve my coffee art
it didn’t really work
but I promise it’ll taste just as good

I laugh
it’s not that bad
but it’s definitely not great

and just like that
she manages to encapsulate
to show me in practice
what’s happening at school

you just gotta try it

since the break ended
we’ve been working with new masks

our bodies

the same rules apply as before
but man, is it infinitely harder

infinitely harder because
all we have
the only tool at our disposal
is ourselves
our bodies

at least before
we were exploring
active movement
staging a home robbery
a jilted first date

now
we have to explore
the dynamism of colour
the dynamic essence of clay
now be dissolving aka seltzer
crumpled cellophane

how do you ROYGBIV

but don’t show me
disappear and
leave me to see the essence
the very quality
that will make me say

ah yes you must be
a violet flower petal
desert sand in
the midday sun

cooling lava

tilled soil

god help me

I thought running through the forest
was bad

if it was bad
this has to be worse

except i’m not sure that it needed to be
except I can see that it wasn’t just me

we are all struggling and
I have a sneaking suspicion

that’s the point
at least a part

because it’s habit breaking time

because when left to our own devices
our everyday instinct is to the descriptive

you don’t understand me?

ok, here
let me speak at you
with my arms

still nothing?
i’ll flap my arms  harder

now you get it right?
no? oh…

our hands become
battered old paint rags
splattering paints
mixed and muddied
by grubby little hands

flapping nonsense in the wind
that is in no way connected to
our intentions
our bodies

because it doesn’t matter
what you think

it doesn’t
if I can’t tell
what you’re doing

if what it
provokes in me
is not of your intention

it’s not my fault
I’m just
picking up
what you’re putting out

do you know what you’re putting out?

nope it has nothing to do with
what you’re thinking
at least
not without
something solid underneath it
something tangible
to support the fantastical

there’s no talking your way out
of a misunderstood performance

so we try to learn
to open ourselves to the unknown
to build the skills
to take bad ideas and disasters
turn them into surprises for you
for ourselves to share our
pleasure to perform
for you

the trick is
to do so
to be able to answer
the questions we’re asked everyday

what do I want to present
what do I want you to receive

to ensure that when we tell a story
you get the story we want to tell
not the story that sneaks out
not the muddy soup that leaves you
sitting there with that look on your face
that ends up with you
shifty eyed
taught smiled
saying

wasn’t that interesting

so there’s this pressure
to figure it all out
there’s this pressure
if you’ll allow the analogy
to make the perfect latte art
every time

the fear
the anxiety
to try something new
builds
until it is a seemingly
unsurmountable wall

until you find yourself in front of the class
getting weepy
once again
because you just completely a task
not so great but not that bad
and you’re realising
you worked yourself up
once again
when you could have just played
so you start getting weepy
prompting the teacher to say

so, you probably don’t want to do this again do you

no

so, you probably should do this again shouldn’t you

no

so, you do
you stay up there
you don’t run
though you almost start to
several times
as sobs burst out
and you are breaking
in front of everyone

in front of everyone
you are right up against it
it
that border between your fears and your desires
that fake detour sign
leading you away from
the path you want to take

a crossroad
because if you give in
if you follow the sign –

you can’t
you can’t follow the sign
that’s why you cry
why you keep turning away
as tears course
as sobs rack your lungs
a broken child

until they start shouting

go
go
c’mon
just do it

because they know

they shout
until there’s nothing left but
to just
go
go
c’mon
just do it

later
they say to me

but did you see how
we were all looking at you
could you feel
how you held the room

later
the teacher says to me

you know you don’t have to
lose control
to be free
to explore
to let yourself go

and now
later

I think i’m seeing a pattern
one I’ve possibly been ignoring
choosing to forget perhaps
choosing instead to fuel the fire
of anticipated failure
rather than choosing to build
on the mounting proof
that

ever since a
beautiful old french man
with the heart of a child
tried to help me see
the pleasure
in playing for the
satisfaction and benefit
of others

I have started to find
there is a cross over
a point where
the pain and fear
of the logical self
gives way to
the pleasure and play
of the dynamic self

because I think
because I know
how they all watch
when I stop thinking
when I play
when I free myself
to be in control of
losing myself
in the unknown

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