The First Week is the: Hardest/Shortest/Coldest/Bestest

by childofwine

Thawyeah

The wireless password at the location of my first coffee/shop since arriving… just about exactly one week ago.

Thaw yeah!

Kinda how this city feels right now
like my heart
like my body
like my life.

I arrive safe sound and exhilarated
despite
detours, “I feel like we’re driving to Buffalo right now”,
despite
financial bombshells, thank you 2013,
despite
my own panic and, because she’s never far from the surface,
despite
Catrastofia: Princess of Disaster, Misguided Descendant of Cassandra

As with the departure in the spring of 2013 and that far more fragile and terrified one in 2012, the moment I take that first step there is a seismic shift in my world, one giant step towards a better me

In class this week I am continually brought up against the giant grey flaking brick wall that is
my ego (leggo my eggo!)
that is
my worst enemy
that grabs me by the ponytail
trips me up on the last step
puts horrible words in my mouth
petty thoughts in my head

and this week I have seen possible the means to be able to walk around it, over it, give it a friendly pat on it’s crumbling side and kindly tell it to

eff right off

because, truly, what do I know
because, I am no different than the other 18
with all our gold stars
secrets we’ll never tell
dreams and nightmares we cannot hide

not when you stand in front of a group with a giant red pimple on your face for two minutes

not when you are being pushed to your physical limit

I am right smack in the midst of a great neutraliser and it is up to me to choose how I behave and how I choose to negotiate my way through the field that is mine-filled, mine to fill, with fears and ambitions and personal artistic mandates and hard artistic truths

I think back over the past two years of training experiences and feedback and I think back through friendships and, well, my life and I find a common theme:

I AM A CHEEKY MESS who tries to be smarter and more collected than she is. Who is happiest when she can be a little cheeky, a little messy… free…

At some point in my life, being a mess became unacceptable
At some point in my life, showing weakness became taboo
At some point in my life, I decided I had to keep it all together
At some point in my life, I thought I had all the answers
At some point in my life, I thought I could fool myself
But I’m not fooling anyone anymore, least of all me

Thing is I am less of a hot mess than I have ever been
maybe this is why I can see myself from a bit of a distance
why I have a chance of evolving a little
of softening a little
of failing a bit more
with a bit more flair
a bit more pizazz

The kind of failing that leads, if one is lucky, to bursts of Woah That Was Something _insert favourite positive adjective_

There’s a ton more whirring and buzzing around in my head
nothing to do with the rocket launch of the first caffeine injection to hit me in one week.
I was going to go through my notes from the week
I was going to explore motif theme and variation
I was going to do a write up that way
but you know what
I’m not planning
and I’m done asking questions when I can just

open my mind
heart
arms
dip myself in the waters
and be the best worst synchronized swimmer you’ve ever seen….
what? I dunno, just go with it ok.

———

Un cadeau:
A -30 pic of me outside of The Louder House
my badass Chicago home

Louder House

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