Whether You’re High or Low. Fail Better

by childofwine

Janelle Monae’s fantastic Tightrope has been running in my head today as I end 2013 with one hell of an emotional rollercoaster day.

I’ve opened up this New Post page many times since returning home late September. Haven’t known what to say, haven’t known quite how to deal with being back, haven’t really stopped moving so that I didn’t have to… but a new year starts tomorrow and it’s time to get the catch up out of the way because a new adventure is about to start.

As fast as I kept things going this fall it was artistically fruitful, I wrote three new pieces – two fifteen minute plays that I am going to continue to develop and lengthen and what may just well turn out to be my first solo piece. I had a small reading just a few weeks ago and although it was under rehearsed and with but a few family and friends in attendance, the goal – presentation and assessment of development merit – was well achieved. I didn’t curl under the table dying in horror and I even made it through reading my own writing in front of an audience. I took two workshops, movement with the incredible Tedi Tafel and mask with Paola Coletto.

Paola’s started a school in Chicago. Is starting a new school. On Monday. A small first class of around fifteen artists walking in to the room with experience and a desire to do some serious refined training of the self as artist creator. Myself included.

I’ve been struggling to explain this to others. Because it’s been so sudden, so uncertain. People question if I’m actually excited about this adventure. I’m downplaying it. I’m nervous. I’ve been worried it wouldn’t happen. This morning I woke to a voice mail that effectively ended any chance of me doing it. And here I am jobless as I just gave all my students to another teacher in expectation of imminent departure!

High or low, right. Tightrope swinging in the wind.

Suffice to say I am INCREDIBLY fortunate to have the support love faith trust of my parents.

Now I’ve gone teared up.

Catastrofia sees every disaster. Sees all the trip wires and grand pianos about to fall from the top of the buildings as she walks by. But I’m learning and I’m remembering to breath and I’m learning that things take time and I’m remembering that it doesn’t always have to be like I fear.

This is what I wrote at the end of my first post two years ago, when I was so scared and so fragile and yet somehow managed to take that first great step out over the abyss:

“Breathe, be brave, risk it all and then risk it all again.”

For the past two years I have been living a life I never could have imagined, that if ever I saw glimpses of as my younger self I would’ve never believed I could’ve been so lucky. I have stayed on the tightrope, despite being high and, oh so very, low, and I see the other side.

I don’t know if it’s a side I will reach any time soon but seeing it, knowing it’s there changes everything. I have fought my ass off to stay upright, to battle demons and hold on tight when I threaten to fly away way too high. These past two years make it all worthwhile as I have been able to embark on a journey that I consider a Bespoke MFA and this next six months, my thesis opportunity.

So, 2013 thanks for throwing me one last kick in the butt and to my belov’d pUnit thank you for your unconditional overwhelming love faith and constant unfaltering support and here’s a new operating quote care of my crazy friend Sammy B who just couldn’t write the way people wanted him to write:

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better