How You Can (now with a flippin’ video)

After last week’s post
after sending the link to the other folk in my program
I panicked.

I wrote my mother

“mom, am I too personal?”

She wrote me back with all the
kindness and humbling love
that my mother has always surprised me with
(that I should be surprised by this, is a surprise in itself every time)

This question seems to have run with me this week
Am I too personal?
This questions runs right into the brick wall called
Am I actually letting anyone in?

Perhaps this is a game I play
let’s call it
Fake It Until You Make It Escape It
The game is won when
Everyone is fooled
Everyone is impressed
By presenting a mask of Strength
A mask that speaks words of
Personal Truth Fictions
without ever giving anything away

Except I’m realising that I’m not fooling anyone
Maybe I never have

Before I write here
I read through my daily entries

Each day of class
Markers to help remember what’s gone by
To remember what how why

Monday: Nourbol (Gymnastics) – Marcos (Suzuki) – Devised
Tuesday: Dmitri (Conditioning) – Marcos – Devised
Wednesday: Nourbol – Marcos – Daria (Alexander) – Devised
Thursday: Dmitri – Marcos – Presentations – Devised

I’ll write
What we did
How I did
What someone might have said
If I did something
Better or worse than he did she did
Seeing in colours of Black and White
Right and Wrong

Observing before Experiencing

Are they watching?
I don’t care
Do they see me not care?

Starting next week I’m in big trouble
Starting next week we’re into Catastrofia territory
When every moment is rife with Fear and Impending Doom
Marcos is gone and we start in earnest with Paola
We’re into Free Expression and the
Risk Of Embarrassment territory

Exactly what I came here to discover
and the last thing on earth my lazy self wants to do

Already I catch myself
quietly sneaking out
just happening to be reaching for water
on the other side of the bathroom door

because we have to dance

because we have to walk around
as water
as earth
as metal

and I feel so exposed
and I feel so spotlit
and I feel so
full of shit
because no one is watching me
at least not with the magnifying lenses I feel
because they’re all playing
because they’re having fun
because maybe they’re scared too…

Since I don’t have my books
My friends, My mentors
I’ve been reading my desktop quote collection

Favourites include:
Hunter S Thompson: The edge… there’s no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over
Arian Mnouchkine: [Théâtre de Soleil is] the dream of living, working, being happy and searching for beauty and for goodness… It’s trying to live for higher purposes, not for richness. It’s very simple really
Rumi: Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field; I’ll meet you there
Philip Pullman: If you want something you can have it, but only if you want everything that goes with it, including all the hard work and the despair, and only if you’re willing to risk failure
Beckett: Ever tried, ever failed, no matter, try again, fail better
Colleen Dewhurst: Live your fucking life. Be in the middle of it, working on it

This week’s winner is Neil Gaiman: The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.

Well, fuck me, if that’s just not enough to make me run home and curl up in my room forever and always.

I’m not asking for sympathy here
at least I don’t think I am
but I am momentarily overwhelmed by the immensity of this task
I am overwhelmed by the bravery and recklessness of us
artistic types
putting out there on the line
actively seeking that liminal space between
disaster and triumph
and to do it all for a
rarely noticed
barely rewarded

Constantly challenging ourselves to
Constantly raising the bar of our
Commitment, of our
Focus, of our
Precision, of our

Every Monday and Wednesday
we start our days with Nourbol
We run in a circle for twenty minutes
skipping, high knees, you name it
we run it
then on the ground
legs, arms, fingers, toes
then tumbling
like that magical lollipop after a needle
trampoline tumbling

All throughout we are under Nourbol’s watchful eye
we are yelping under Nourbol’s ‘helpful’ hand
deepening a stretch
We are thanked after each stretch
I like it, very much
As he walks around our circle
Now _(insert insane stretch)_, he says,

How you can

How you can

But that’s it, isn’t it
All this nonsense about
Right vs Wrong about
Good vs Bad, it’s all nonsense
because what more can we do but
How We Can

Today, Tomorrow
How you can

post script
here is a video of me doing a flip – how i can – please note this is *not* the ‘graceful’ flip I talked about in last week’s entry… but you’ll see that soon enough. The Flip