Here I am Day 9 in NYC, Day 37 in NY state, Day -1 until Home Day and I am jumping on and off trains to catch connecting lines as if I knew what I was doing; I am navigating between numbered and named streets and; I am ready to do NYC proper… except…
At lunch today YL said, several times, “5 years younger, that’s what I wish to be now”. Where she is now, but 5 years younger – I know the feeling but in 5 years this now will become the Golden Age I wish to be. How do I change this? How do I anticipate this? How do I learn from this?
Shit. I hear you mom.
How can I be more mindful?
This past week as we continuously, and not without much personal negotiation and battle of will, opened ourselves as vessels to our creative expressive unconscious beings I think we were actively searching for the mindful open-heart voice we so often suppress.
It takes a bliss-full type of consciousness. A pleasure of risk and play. An open palmed face slap to judgment. A willingness to be fully present in the constant chameleon nature of the present.
There is no better game than the you are currently playing.
There will be no better, and no worse, life than the one you get to live.
Tomorrow I fly home, though admittedly I still get to avoid ‘reality’ as I am nomadic until the 1st of September. I am positively itching to work artistically. To get into studios and play with all that I have learned and encountered. I am terrified of returning only to face a quick regression to old habits.
FUCK IT. I have learned things this past month. I know more now than I did before. I am clearer and my desires and my goals, my practice and my education. I will not negate this experience.
Next up is a weeks and half in my home town during the Fringe Festival and I get to blissfully enjoy all their amazing and brilliant and flawed artistic endeavours. I cannot wait. Then I get three weeks in my beloved Nova Scotia, to see old friends and to train with what is turning out to be a very small workshop group. There are 4, possibly 6, of us doing this intensive. There is no hiding here. Perhaps all my work so far with fear and failure and risk and play is leading me to this final challenge in my self-created mini-masters-summer. Bring it on. Maybe I will even feel a taste of what it is like to walk hand-in-hand with fear.
How beautiful a journey would that be.
How inspiring a new starting point of exploration and artistry would that be.
Even if I cannot hold hands yet, even if I must be more aggressive, how wonderful and brave will I feel to have tried and to have spent 4months surrounding myself with those who seek, in their own way, the same things, how wonderful and brave are we all, beyond artists and not artists, but as humans in this world of gentle indifference.
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be”
Douglas Adams (Gotta love him)