The problem with letting these entries go by the wayside is that I am then literally drowning in topics to try and share. It is remarkable how much we are accomplishing and experiencing here every day. In many ways I think I have never been or felt more ‘manic’ – that last entry (shame and bourbon) is a perfect example – the day began brilliantly and within the first hour and a half I had managed to reduce myself to slime on the ground only to whip right around and redeem myself in the next hour and a half only to… and then to… after which I… up and down and allllll around.
This isn’t manic like I’ve ever experienced and please, don’t worry that this is something, well, worrying. I truly think this is how and why they designed this program the way that it is – forcing a confrontation with ones own expectations, limitations, aspirations, however many other -tions can you think of they are exposed here.
And I’m exhilarated.
I know this schedule is extremely heightened and there is no way I would want this long term BUT this idea, the ideology and intention of the practice is.
Sometimes I worry that I complain too much here and am not eloquently elucidating on Art and Life and BlahBlah Blah but we don’t write notes in class and I find our times between barely allow me to sit and transpose exploding colours of thought into text written on page. I have tried though so I thought maybe I’d go through my books and see what stuck in the old noodle whilst it bubbled away trying to be Present. Nothing below is going to be revolutionary or new really but for whatever reason… I’ll stop justifying…
*actors are astronauts floating in space going “woah”. Director is sitting in command centre saying things like try floating to your left and the astronaut floats over there and goes “woah”
*there is no such thing as character, no such thing; it is just you
*commit but remain open; be open but remember to commit
*if it’s good steal it!
*watching someone repeat my gestures teaches me more about me than I anticipated. It’s definitely a lesson for the ego
*audiences are like cats – artists hold the little laser light – cats don’t care if it’s too easy to get the light and won’t bother if it’s too hard
*Eugenio Barba’s “sats” – that moment of preparation right before an action when you somehow are already there only it isn’t physically manifest yet. The thought does not precede action rather the two are experienced working as one – a member of the Bejing Opera once said to Barba “movement stop, inside no stop”
*the worst thing is the days when I watch and want to join but paralyse myself with fear and judgment, often it takes a stern mental talking to and an ultimatum “you will go up next regardless of whatnext is” – learning that it doesn’t matter if I know what’s going on because it is literally as simple as just standing up, stepping in, watching and reacting.
*that what we practice in our training and creation phases is done with no less integrity, intention, energy and focus as that which we discover that day the audience arrives
*Diaghilev to conductor on opening night of Rite “do anything you want but just don’t stop the music”
*Stravinsky “I heard the music and I wrote what I heard” “I don’t get sea-sick, I get sea-drunk”
*thought from earlier last week: I definitely have not committed to this program yet. If I had I would not object to more and longer rehearsals. I would be spending all my time working. (I’m glad I’m setting reasonable expectation for myself!)
*you can read what you might not be able to write but you cannot write it if you cannot read
*let people surprise you, let them appear in a way you would not think possible. Let them be something other than you expect. To do this let yourself do the same for you. If you cannot allow yourself to be other than you thought, to surprise yourself……
Oh. compositions are going well. We’re in good shape and everything could collapse like a house of cards at any minute – how exciting is that (MacF’s – tone uncertain) It seems we may have managed to structure our piece like the Rite… We show on Tuesday and then again on Thursday.This week should be interesting. I feel like I’m just warming up. This whole ‘devised’ theatre thing is wild and I am realising how truly unfamiliar I am with it. It is with great anticipation and trepidation that I consider how I can continue this new way of playing after this short short time is done. There are rumours of a SITI conservatory starting up in a year or so…. excuse me while I wipe up the drool
I found the chapel today, it has a piano, it’s been so close all this time. I feel centered and have a sneaking suspicion that this training might have just made me a tiny bit better of a piano player…
Wednesday we see what the dance company and SITI have been doing to the Rite….
In the spirit of growth and evolution, there is this too: during my time here I have been confronted with some horrible truths: people actually seem to find me enjoyable company. people actually seem to find me beautiful. people actually seem to think I’m cool. people actually seem to enjoy working with me. people actually seem to notice my work. people actually seem to talk positively about working with me to others. people actually seem oblivious that I am a failure of an artist who has a neon sign on her forehead that flashes FUCK-UP at all hours. The worst part is that it might be sinking in, just a little, and I might be experiencing slightly longer than usual breaths of fresh air between the attitude enhancing advice from Negative Nelly on the left shoulder and Bitter Betty on the right.
What a drag – the worst part is that I’m even smiling as I write this.