Day 8 pm
Well, I’m not gonna say the train derailed but it sure came pretty dang close.
Today = one wickedly stomped on foot by other foot (talk about one foot knowing what the other’s doing!)
Today = one case of the weepy I’m too self-conscious to allow myself to cross a room in movement class
Today = one brilliant moment of clarity as I see in my mind’s eye my ipod and mini speaker sitting out in the rain after yesterday’s rehearsal and not in my bag where I want it to be now so I can listen to my very own Aaron Collier track to feel better about my shitty movement class.
Today = one slight redemption in speaking class today where I really tried to make up for the aforementioned poopy behaviour.
Today = one grumpy mood threatening to ruin our last chance at figuring out our composition to be performed tomorrow, come rain or shine, is pushed aside to allow the day to finish off with a very acceptable composition – flawed sure but all of us have pieces we can claim and there’s not truly that I am unhappy about. This is good.
SO! Monday! Done. Not my finest day but that’s okay… this is the journey, these are the challenges
How to I find my way through these crises in order to continue working. It’s not as if I’m sitting at a desk imputing information that doesn’t care about how I feel. It’s not as if I’m … I don’t know what but what I do is about who I am and how that Me is with the people I work with – whether I’ve known them for years or just minutes, whether we have 3 weeks, 3 years or 3 days to create something: how do I endeavour, how do I ensure, that I can walk away from the current project and on to the next with my head up and my stride light?
I stomped on my foot because I have not found the way to allow my body to fully commit itself to the weight shift required to land without painful repercussions – I am not taking the risk, the leap, that will bring me to the next moment. The good thing is I know it’s there and I know I’m just on the other side so, maybe tomorrow…
In viewpoints today I didn’t get up to work (to be not so hard on myself I definitely was not the only one) and this started the wee pity party – the creeping weep started at the end of the class. Something was said to us along these lines: “If I can leave you with anything today it is this. You are starting to form opinions about people and some of them are not going to be so positive but when you come into these morning classes allow yourself to forget that – allow yourself to watch and be surprised when people reveal themselves in a new way.”
The thing was this though: “If you want to be surprised by someone doing something you wouldn’t expect you have to allow it from yourself.” That’s what started the weep – how could I watch others and see them if I cannot allow it of myself… talk about a pity party pinata!
As I sit here now at the end of the day and ready for sleep because I need it for tomorrow and I have to leave today behind because tomorrow will be another month long day I must face the fact that I was a bit indulgent. I wanted to feel blue, I needed to I suppose. This is what I expect from myself. This is the easy way out and that exactly not what I came here to do.
So here’s what I’m going to finish off with: I’m not going to beat myself up for today. Clearly I needed to wallow and that’s okay, clearly it sucks to lose something like an ipod or whatever and maybe St. Christopher will be kind and bring it back BUT I also managed to work with my group to find a way through our little mess of moments to create a piece that we all feel happy presenting tomorrow and next movement class I have a new challenge.