phew, these past two days have been something else!
I find myself wishing I had 4 week training session just to get my fingers in to the incredible magic mud we are stirring up.
Seemed like I was scared as a child during the SITI training – afraid of getting along, of being accepted and of being approved, of fittib in and of being cool. Now, in just two very long short days, I find myself facing the beast of the year – the beast that is Fear.
Fear that keeps me locked in inside hiding who I am to ensure I get to stay out and play. Fear that if I act out they’ll send me back in, they’ll ask if I’m ‘up’ or if I’m ‘down’. Fear that I could betray myself and reveal the unbalanced untrustworthy unacceptable pathetic me.
And I know this is bullshit. And I know that regardless of my imbalance, regardless of all of that, I am no different from the rest of them in that room facing fear and walking to the edge of a precipice and having the courage to say FUCK IT.
For the past while I have spoken preached meditated on fear. Searching for a way out of the paralysis and back out into the fresh air I came to the conclusion that I needed to make fear my bitch. I saw myself grabbing hold to this wild monster and throwing myself onto its back and riding it hard until it was mine.
Today I was offered a new way, one I’m not sure I am quite ready for yet but see not too distant on the horizon. The offering was this: that I, that we, take fear by the hand.
That we take fear by the hand
How brave and honest to share your life with your fear; in a way that just might help you live your life with bravery and risk.
How, oh I don’t know… heart-full is that?
One more day and maybe I’ll come back next year for more punishment, who knows – I do seem to be a grinnig sucker for punishment.
Tomorrow, last day of performance terror and beautiful maskwork and a late night date with Sleep No More.
Tonight, maybe I’ll dream of riding monsters and walking hand in hand with a trembling little me.